6 reason why the concept of ‘body count’ is outdated

There’s something almost clinical about the phrase “body count.” Cold. Detached. As if past lovers were mere notches on a belt, a statistic to be scrutinised, debated, and, in some circles, weaponised. For something as deeply personal as a person’s sexual history, it carries a weight far heavier than it should.

And yet, here we are—still talking about it.For some, a high number is a red flag, a supposed marker of recklessness or an inability to commit. For others, a low number is met with skepticism, a sign of inexperience or prudishness.

And while the world has evolved in so many ways—dating apps normalising casual encounters, open relationships entering the mainstream, societal attitudes toward sex becoming more progressive—the fixation on “body count” remains stubbornly intact.

Here is Why ‘Body Count’ is a Flawed Concept

"Perspectives on dating, relationships, and sexuality have shifted dramatically in recent years,” says Anita Fletcher, a sex and relationship expert at Fantasy Co., a brand specializing in handcrafted, high-quality adult toys.

“But despite this, the debate surrounding ‘body count’ rages on, with many still fixated on what the number represents rather than what truly matters in a healthy sexual relationship.”

Fletcher isn’t just dismissing the conversation outright—she’s dismantling it. With precision, she lays out why this outdated metric tells us nothing about a person’s capacity for love, intimacy, or commitment.

Debunking the Myths Around Body Count

One of the biggest misconceptions is that a high number automatically equates to promiscuity or a lack of emotional depth. “A number doesn’t tell you anything about someone’s ability to form deep connections,” Fletcher explains.

“It’s a myth that past experiences dictate future relationship success. A person’s integrity, emotional availability, and capacity for love aren’t measured by past partners.”

Conversely, the idea that a low body count is synonymous with purity or virtue is just as misguided. Sexuality is an individual journey, and whether someone has had one partner or twenty, it has no bearing on their worth as a partner.

The Psychological Toll of Body Count Obsession

Beyond the surface-level assumptions, the body count debate has real consequences. Many internalize shame or anxiety over their number, fearing judgment from potential partners.

Others feel pressured to lie—either inflating or downplaying their experiences—to fit arbitrary social expectations.

“For some, the pressure to maintain a ‘socially acceptable’ number can cause them to be dishonest about their history or feel unnecessary guilt over consensual experiences,” Fletcher notes.

“On the flip side, those with fewer partners might feel insecure about their lack of experience, worrying they won’t measure up.”

The result is a culture where people feel defined by a number rather than their actual approach to relationships and intimacy. And that’s a problem.

The Gender Double Standard

Perhaps the most glaring issue in the body count discourse is the gender double standard. It’s the age-old paradox: men with high numbers are seen as experienced, desirable, and even more masculine, while women with the same numbers are often judged, labeled, and scrutinized.

“A woman with multiple partners may be labeled as ‘promiscuous’ or ‘less desirable,’ reinforcing outdated notions of purity and respectability,” Fletcher explains. “Meanwhile, men often feel pressure to inflate their numbers to prove their worth or masculinity.”

It’s a lose-lose scenario, built on antiquated beliefs that no longer hold up in a world that increasingly values equality, agency, and personal choice. The reality is, sexual experience—or lack thereof—isn’t a gendered issue. It’s a personal one.

What Actually Matters: 'Sexual Health and Emotional Intelligence'

So if body count doesn’t matter, what does? According to Fletcher, the conversation needs a hard pivot—away from numbers and toward what actually makes for a fulfilling and healthy sex life.“

Rather than focusing on how many partners someone has had, we should be asking different questions,” she says. “Do they practice safe sex? Are they communicative about boundaries and consent? Do they prioritize mutual pleasure?

Those are the things that define a good partner—not a number.”STI testing, respect for boundaries, open communication—these are the factors that determine whether someone is a safe, healthy, and caring sexual partner. And yet, they’re often overlooked in favor of the far more arbitrary body count conversation.

“Sexuality isn’t a competition, and there’s no right or wrong way to experience it,” Fletcher adds. “Quality—how well a person engages in healthy, consensual, and satisfying sexual relationships—should always outweigh quantity.”

Shifting the Conversation

At the heart of it all, the obsession with body count is a distraction from what really matters. “When it comes to healthy relationships, ‘body count’ is irrelevant,” Fletcher says.

“Communication, respect, emotional connection—those are the things that sustain love and intimacy. A number doesn’t tell you if someone is a safe, considerate, or loving partner. What truly matters is how they treat you in the present.”

And maybe that’s the real takeaway. Instead of counting, measuring, and comparing, we should be focusing on what makes relationships—and sex—meaningful. Because at the end of the day, it’s not about how many. It’s about how well.