It’s no coincidence that toxic in-laws are such a popular trope in movies—and the stars of some of the juiciest, most upvoted threads on Reddit. Understandably, getting along with someone else’s family is a major learning curve, and it’s even harder when their behaviors range from overbearing and controlling to straight-up disrespectful and cruel.

This whole dynamic is uniquely complicated because sure, they’re family—but not the one you’ve grown up with and spent your whole life building trust with. And any brewing tension isn’t just between you and them: You’ve got your partner’s emotions to consider too, Nedra Tawwab, LCSW, a licensed therapist based in Charlotte, North Carolina, and author of Drama Free: A Guide to Managing Unhealthy Family Relationships, tells SELF. That’s why criticizing every mildly frustrating thing they do can be a slippery slope—one that might make your partner believe you’re just looking for reasons to hate their parents.

So what can you do then? It depends on the situation, but the experts we spoke with agree it often comes down to setting boundaries and communicating them clearly and respectfully. Before you even get to that, though, you and your partner need to agree that the behavior is a problem in the first place. And then, align on the best way to handle it. Otherwise, “it can create incredible relationship difficulties if they aren’t comfortable speaking up or aren’t willing to have your back,” Amy Morin, LCSW, a therapist based in Marathon, Florida, and author of 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do, tells SELF.

But assuming you and your SO have had that talk, what’s next? Below, experts break down the most common types of toxic in-laws—plus, their best advice for handling each one.

1. The one who ignores your boundaries.

When you’ve established your own rhythm in a marriage, it can be frustrating for an in-law to insist on doing things their way. Maybe you’ve made clear that your kids aren’t allowed to watch TV past dinner—and yet, your mother-in-law keeps sneaking in late-night screen time. Or your partner’s parents are always showing up unannounced when you’d prefer a heads-up.

What to do: According to Morin, this may be a situation where the message should come from their own child. “So many people don’t want to offend their mother- or father-in-law, so having your partner say, ‘Hey, we’re not comfortable with that,’ can be great,” she explains. After all, “they have a much longer relationship than you do.”

Another option is approaching the issue together as a united front. While speaking up, both therapists suggest focusing on the behavior, not their character. So keep the tone respectful and firm with “we” statements like, “We appreciate you watching the kids, but we need you to follow our rules about screen time” or “We love having you come over, but next time could you please let us know beforehand?” Framing it as a collective choice (not just a personal preference) will (hopefully) prompt them to take your request seriously.

2. The one who thinks they know what’s best for you.

Whether it’s about how you parent, how you cook, or even how you manage your finances, some in-laws can’t help but chime in with opinions you didn’t ask for. Oh, you’re still renting? You should’ve bought a house by now! Are you sure you want to sleep-train your baby?

As frustrating as these comments can be, they don’t always come from a bad place, Tawwab points out. Still, that doesn’t make them any less intrusive—or exhausting to deal with. Over time, constant input on your choices and lifestyle can start to feel like a lack of trust or respect for your decisions.